Loyal troops, listen up! The Sarge just had a Sam Adams So-Called Octoberfest Lager.

What a load of crap.

So the Sergeant needed a good lager to take himself through an otherwise uneventful weekend. Life is sadly short and the Brigade could go to battle at any time, so modesty in choice was not an option. Whole Foods, here I come.

Not like I’m plugging, but Whole Foods has a freaky amount of beer to choose from. I almost needed a chair in the middle of the aisle I was browsing so long. Ice cream was melting in the basket! Blue cheese was getting moldy…er. Leave it to Boston Beer company to attract THIS sergeant’s eye to what can be described as a flagrant, unabashed ad campaign. Orange so bright it pierced my corneas! Dates advertising the locked in, no BS temporal limits to the beautiful time of Okoberfest, and centered in it display, a stack of six-packs almost begging me to purchase their sweet nectar. I was sucked in; it was the implied perfect answer. It seemed almost too good to be true.

I hate being right.

Color

I take Märzens seriously. An Oktoberfest Märzen-style Lager is the traditional, absolute brew of choice provided during each Oktoberfest for the last, oh, the last 197 years, save for a war or three. It’s supposed to be a close cousin to the Märzen style lager, but not without a couple extra malts to set the flavor apart from the rest. It’s supposed to look like a rich, hearty reddish-brown lager. This one’s too yellow. That’s the least of its problems, though. Oktoberfest lagers are characterized also by producing a big bold beauiful head of froth so beautiful that God’s beard could be mistaken for it. This Sergeant attempted to recreate that beautiful foamy head:

In several glasses.

Four times.

Nothing.

But.

Wuss beer.

And.

Sentence Fragments

Consistency

Again, supposed to be in the crisp yet hearty category upon consumption. This lager is way too light- it finishes really quickly and has just a bit of carbonation without an inkling of gumption or moxie. Take a chance, America!

Flavor, Jesus!

OK this is just sad…and ironic. I SHOULD be tasting even a hint of hoppy goodness. What do I taste? Malty sticky goop that is just, well, bland. It’s sweet, it’s light and there’s nothing to it. It’s every bit of mediocre as it can get.

Maybe that’s the real tragedy; this is supposed to be a hearty lager, served chilled, and it’s not- this is at best an American knock-off that’s barely worthy of the name ‘Oktoberfest Märzen’.

I apologize for my attitude but really- why are we being so nice about this? Sam Adams makes some damn fine beer. The entire city of Boston can be proud of a brewery that’s created thousands of jobs and rejuvenated some hope for the beer in this country, along with the thought that a nice guy who likes beer can take a chance against a bunch of big breweries and make a product that really means something and says that the American Way can still stand for something.

Jim Koch missed, it’s that simple. Can’t win ‘em all, soldiers.