Welp, boys and girls, fatsos and…other people, the good Private is back from an extended hiatus, chock-full of reviews and penicillin. The truth is, some of my admirers were worried that they wouldn’t get their fill of generally nonsensical rants and meandering beer reviews. Never fear, there will be plenty.

During my absence, I drank many beers. But, to put it lightly, there was no inspiration to write about it. All I could taste was ashes. And hence, on my return, I figured it was best to start with the Granddaddy of them all, The Rose Bowl Pilsner Urquell.

Pilsner Urquell is a bottom-fermenting beer established in 1842. The town itself (Plzen) was founded by King Wenceslas II in 1295. Breweries and Brewing Guilds flourished shortly thereafter, ensuring the continuation of beer knowledge passed down for millions of years since. In fact, it is a proven fact that the Plzen beer riots of 1838 (in which furious citizens dumped 36 barrels of murky, undrinkable sludge in their rage) directly influenced the Boston Tea Party (who, as we all know, dumped that Tea into the Charles because it was not beer). Bonus points to those of you who know your Revolutionary War dates.

They use noble Saaz hops over there in Plzen (get more nouns, you filthy Czechs), Bohemia, and the quality is apparent. The floral, hoppy aroma of this golden draft is quickly followed by its initially clean and crisp, slightly fruity taste giving way to bitterness and to the more brown flavors of malt and caramel. Odds are, if you’re reading this, you’ve had this beer before, but I recommend giving it another chance, using your 5 senses instead of your incipient alcoholism to enjoy it.

Now I leave you to do battle with my liver once again. God bless you men and women who will this night do the same.