We had a lot of folks over on Sunday, friends, including Kolonel Tripel, Brigadier Bock, Admiral Ale, Sergeant Stout and the seldom-heard from Herr Hefeweizen (at least he brought Hefeweizen) and a bevy of other folk. Much food, MUCH drink, and—of course—much good beer. Until the brew ran out. We quickly sent a detachment for more brau, and they admirably came back with 3 twelve packs. One Sam Light. Fine indeed. One Guinness. No prob there. And the third… as you’ve likely guessed… MILLER CHILL! Chelada Style Ureabrau.

Now I bashfully admit this is not the first time the Cap’n had kicked back a MILLER CHILL Chelada Style Urinebrau but I have an excuse—the first time I bought it, marketing and package design sucked me in, and I was hoping for a taste of highschool—er, college—with a beer that was surely reminiscent of Tequiza. Which sucked too, but I was a young, fool-palate-having man. And… I mean: TEQUIZA!

So this beer tastes like very light lager with basically no flavor but salt. And I guess a little artificial-ish lime. But really it just tastes kinda like High Life Lite with salt in it. Salt is fine around the rim of my margarita or in my tomato bisque soup, but salt is not OK in a beer. Ever. Any beer. It is counter-flavor-productive to the Nth* degree, in fact! It’s gross, man! Gross. That, and aside from the salt and slight-fake-lime tastes there is no discernable BEERNESS here… I got no malt… I got NO hops… I got nothing. I don’t know what wood-toothed, pasty-cheeked stuffed suit thought up MILLER CHILL Chelada Style Saltcrapbeer but I will BET you it was some ass-planked, glass-eyed, wool-panted corporate type, not a charismatic, proud,Viking home brewer like someone I know.

And what the HELL does “Chelada” mean, anyway?! According to their website, the word “translates loosely as ‘Cold One.’” But I have a feeling that if you really translated it accurately into English, it would mean something more like “Hwarfshnik.” Or maybe “Golptonce.” Not. Real. Words.

And man, I like Miller Lite. I make no Ifs Ands or Buts about it—not a hell of a lot of flavor, but the bit of malt there is and the light hop finish is very refreshing; light but tasty. This? The MILLER CHILL Chelada Style Stankass should A) not exist, and B) pass me a sandwich. I love sandwiches.

*Nth here = 3rd. For some reason.