I know what you’re thinking…

This guy’s still alive? Yes folks, I am in fact alive, and occasionally kicking to boot. As I sit here, watching Hitler’s Greatest Blunders, I felt compelled to give you an update. Specifically, one of my favorite beers out there, Red Hook’s IPA, Long Hammer. To begin with, the name and the labeling are pretty awesome. Next, it’s a damn fine IPA. More after the bump.

Long Hammer is brought to you by one of those many fine Northwestern breweries, Red Hook. It is based in Woodinville, Washington, and boasts a fine array of beers. They’ve brewed Long Hammer since 1984, and packs a more-than-respectable 6.5% ABV. It boasts a lovely, if not incredibly strong (by IPA-standards; only 38.5 IBU) bitterness (enhanced though by the fact that they dry-hop their beer with quality local Willamette and Cascade hops) but retains a smooth finish. While it may not compare with standouts from Stone and Lagunitas (two of my personal favorites) it, as the case suggests, “is built to stand the test of time.” I’ve been coming back to Long Hammer, after many diversions to other brands and genres, for several years now. It has a great price-to-quality ratio. Highly recommended.

I picked up Kiper Pils at BevMo this past weekend. A couple notes about this: 1) It comes in 330 ML/11.2 fl. oz. bottles, and in a four pack. Now, 11.2 vs. 12 oz. is not a terrible difference, but the bottle seems tiny in my hand. However, the four pack was $4.99, so I don’t feel as though I’ve been ripped off. On to the actual review after the jump.

Honestly, and this will probably piss off some people who read this, I preferred this pils to pilsner urquell. The bottle says “It’s pronounced ‘Keeper’,” and I agree with them. Kiper is much sweeter than your standard pils, lacking the chalky aftertaste I taste in many other pilsners. That counts a lot for me.
This is a remarkably clear draught (it reminded me of cider coming out of the bottle), with light color, thick head, and an unremarkable aroma.

I may be crazy, but I could swear that Kiper is more heavily carbonated than previous pilsners reviewed herein, and indeed, that is the first thing I notice when I take a sip. It is quite active on the palate, masking the fact that the beer is not particularly complex, without the variety of flavours found in others. This may be due in part to the fact that Kiper lacks the illustrious history of most other pilsners, having been brewed the same the same way since only 1927. Hell, my grandmother was alive in ’27 and she hasn’t changed a damn thing since then, either. Get a new bragging point.

Nonetheless, Kiper is an enjoyable, if simple, beer. However, rather than spending you money on a four pack, wait until next week when I review the Eku pils minikeg I picked up as well. I know I’m excited.

In the meantime, look at this. It’s pretty sweet.

Welp, boys and girls, fatsos and…other people, the good Private is back from an extended hiatus, chock-full of reviews and penicillin. The truth is, some of my admirers were worried that they wouldn’t get their fill of generally nonsensical rants and meandering beer reviews. Never fear, there will be plenty.

During my absence, I drank many beers. But, to put it lightly, there was no inspiration to write about it. All I could taste was ashes. And hence, on my return, I figured it was best to start with the Granddaddy of them all, The Rose Bowl Pilsner Urquell.

Pilsner Urquell is a bottom-fermenting beer established in 1842. The town itself (Plzen) was founded by King Wenceslas II in 1295. Breweries and Brewing Guilds flourished shortly thereafter, ensuring the continuation of beer knowledge passed down for millions of years since. In fact, it is a proven fact that the Plzen beer riots of 1838 (in which furious citizens dumped 36 barrels of murky, undrinkable sludge in their rage) directly influenced the Boston Tea Party (who, as we all know, dumped that Tea into the Charles because it was not beer). Bonus points to those of you who know your Revolutionary War dates.

They use noble Saaz hops over there in Plzen (get more nouns, you filthy Czechs), Bohemia, and the quality is apparent. The floral, hoppy aroma of this golden draft is quickly followed by its initially clean and crisp, slightly fruity taste giving way to bitterness and to the more brown flavors of malt and caramel. Odds are, if you’re reading this, you’ve had this beer before, but I recommend giving it another chance, using your 5 senses instead of your incipient alcoholism to enjoy it.

Now I leave you to do battle with my liver once again. God bless you men and women who will this night do the same.

Hello folks, I’m Private Pilsner. Now, when I was initially approached about this project, some would say that I was vaguely insulted by the Nom de guerre of Private Pilsner. But then I realized that, like in real war, Privates are the ones who get the most done at the end of the day. Which meant, when I thought about it, that I’d get to be in the trenches (a.k.a. drinking) more often than any of my erstwhile co-contributors. Suckers!

On to the review then: The Paulaner Premium Pils. Wow. Try saying that three times fast. Then kill yourself.*

I had to buy two six-packs of this pleasant pilsner in order to actually write this. Not because the beer is so very complex, but rather because it goes down so easy, I found myself unable to recollect very much about the beer, or the evening, the next day (my companions for the evening assured me it was entertaining; my wallet told me it became expensive).

Paulaner Pils is brewed with Hallertau Hops, the original premium, or “noble” hop strain, and the smooth, albeit slightly tart quality and rich aroma of the beer is a pleasing way to begin the drinking experience. I was unable to enjoy its light color and supposedly firm head, as I was drinking it out of the bottle (Note: Any beer fans willing to come wash my dishes will be granted a guest review – or two! – in these hallowed pages), but it was an easy drinker, a point which, to my way of thinking, supersedes aesthetic in nearly all cases.

Coming in at an enjoyable 4.9% alcohol content, the Paulaner Premium Pils is a semi-decent addition to any beer collection, as both a casual drink or as a pairing with a variety of foods – rich or mildly greasy food (a likely standard for any young person reading this), any number of fish dishes, or even a simple salad with a cream-based dressing.

Cheers!

*Don’t actually kill yourself. Go pick yourself up a six pack of Paulaner Premium Pils, Paulaner Premium Pils, Paulaner Premium Pils.